A New Beginning

Right now, I am sitting in bed, with my hair pulled back and a flower pin in my hair because that was the first one I found. And life feels great.

It seems like its been years since I last updated. And while a lot has changed, some things remain the same. I still have a burning desire to go back to Haiti that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shake. I left part of my heart there and no matter how hard I search, there is only one place that can give it back. I hope I can return soon.

In the meantime, I am looking forward to this year. And what a year it is starting off to be! I got to spend my first New Year’s with Nate and even though we didn’t do anything exciting, it was nice just to be with him to bring in the new year. Nate stayed for a couple days after and we even got to double date with my best friend and her fiance and go ice skating together. This is an activity Nate and I both love to do, and I will admit it, he’s much better at it than I am. After he left I got to spend some valuable time with my family. It’s hard growing up because I know soon enough I won’t get to come home and just have a week of lazy days that I get to hang out and enjoy their company. Soon enough, it will be planned activities based on how much time I am able to get off of work. I have to admit, there is something nice about being in school still and getting these wonderfully planned out breaks. The most exciting news of all though is that in 6 days I will be flying to Las Vegas with my mother to watch Ellen Bryan, Miss Ohio, compete in the Miss America Pageant! I am beyond excited! I know Ellen will do absolutely wonderful and that the Lord will be watching over her. And I’m so excited to see her live onstage and experience Las Vegas for the first time with my mom. It will be a great trip :)

Today I get to unpack my room and hopefully, if I’m feeling motivated enough, start on some homework so I am ahead this week before I leave. We’ll see how that goes.

Time

Has it really been since April 27th since I’ve last posted a blog? I can’t begin to believe it. Time has felt so altered in the last month that nothing seems to make sense. So much has happened and yet so little has. And today I woke up and felt that it was time for a change. Time to keep up with my blog again, time to start praying more, time to remember what my purpose is, time to grow, time to exercise more, time to learn, but most importantly time to remember what is really important.

The last week of school was a blur. I spent the majority of my time studying, and when I wasn’t, I was trying to sickle every last moment and memory that I could with Nate before he left to Pittsburgh for the summer, and thus begins a long term, long distance relationship. Besides getting an Ipad that week (finally) there wasn’t much else to account for. Which is all right. Classes were finally done, and I could breath again. I could go to sleep and wake up without that feeling that there was so much still to do. I could see friends and my family and not stress about what was due the next day. When I finally took that last final, I can’t begin to describe how that uplifted feeling of weightlessness felt after feeling grounded for so long. I can only pray that it doesn’t have to ever happen again.

After finals, it remained a fast blur of days. Caps, gowns, goodbyes, packing, driving, my sister’s prom. How did it all fly by so quickly? Fortunately I was not on the stage for graduation quite yet, (there’s no way I could ever be ready for the real world yet), but I was there as a loyal girlfriend and friend supporting all the accomplishments of those that I have grown to love these past four years. What is life at Ball State going to be without them? I can’t even comprehend it…

And Nate, I was so proud of him. Did you know he was 1 of 10 students to graduate after 4 years of college with a 4.0? I can’t even fathom that. Simply incredible. I can’t even begin to express how happy I was for him, even as much as he tried to downplay it.

After graduation, he came back to Avon for a few days and it was simply marvelous. He finally met my sister and brother and it was so nice to have him in my home. To be able to share this part of my life with him. I feel even closer now to him than I ever have. Once he had left, I began my summer routine of helping my parents paint the house, restain the deck, cook dinner, etc… I told myself I’d have one week off before I began to study for the mcat. My parents told me that they’d pay me to be their “housekeeper” for the summer. I’m so blessed. I don’t have to drive anywhere, I get to make my own schedule, and it helps them out a ton because my sister’s impending graduation open house is coming up and our house would be no where near ready if I was working another job.

After that first week, I took off to Pittsburgh to surprise Nate for his 22nd birthday. It was so great seeing the look on his face when I called him and told him to come outside. Priceless and wonderful, and I’m glad I was able to celebrate his birthday with him and see his friends and family again.

Finally back home, I’ve been back to work on the house and have started the grueling task of studying for the mcat. Although I loved the time I had away from studying, I love going back to it too. However it’s hard to figure out how to divide my time in the day. Which brings me back to my opening. Time. Ideally I want to have a routine, it doesn’t have to be strict, but some routine that can fulfill everything I want to do in the day. Like daily mass, and prayer, and working out, and cooking/cleaning for my mom, and studying, and getting 8hrs of sleep, and still having time to enjoy myself in the evenings with friends or my family. Is that to much to ask for? I hope not. I feel like time has already slipped by this summer and I’ve had little purpose to my days. I think this is mostly because while I have said small prayers, I haven’t felt close to God since I’ve been home, hence the need for daily mass or going to chapel to pray. How wonderful would it be to start my days off at church, then to come home and start my day? I need to find a way to wake up sooner though…

I sometimes feel like I have two lives. My life at home. And my life at school. It’s sometimes almost scary how different it feels when I’m in one vs the other. Like how differently my time is spent, how different my friends are, and where my priorities are. Not that I feel like a hypocrite because I am different in both, but I do feel like the environment changes so much of who I am. It’s an interesting feeling to have.

On another topic, my dad and I have been home a lot together during the days as we both work on the house to get it ready. I’ve repainted most of the rooms and he’s been working on finishing the wood floors and trim. It looks so great. And while we’ve been home we’ve had some great conversations, particularly pertaining to Haiti. I can’t wait to go with him. While it seems so far away, it’s going to be here in no time so a lot of planning must be started pronto. My goal this week is to get in touch with Father Andre and Father Jose. And Getro. It seems so long since I’ve talked to him. I miss my little dose of Haiti that he sends.

Anyways, this post was a lot of rambling and incoherent thoughts but I’ll try to clean it up for my next one. And for whoever is reading this, I hope you are having a wonderful summer, staying safe from storms, and remembering the Lord.

Love, Jenn

Ever After

It’s been a while since my last post. I’d like to blame it on the fact that I’ve been too overwhelmed with school, but honestly that’s not even the case. Yes, school has been hard still, but I’ve still had time. I could even blame it on the fact that my computer is moving awful slow, but the fact that I haven’t even tried to open the blog deems this accusation false. I honestly have to say it has to do with the fact that I haven’t been able to put into words all that is going on in my life right now. It’s been such a rollercoaster that even when I wanted to write about it, adequate words could not describe.

Anyways, so I’m watching Ever After right now with Drew Barrymore and I forgot how much I absolutely adored this movie. It is my favorite retelling of Cinderella by far. It makes me think back to those famous last words we are repeated to over and over again as a child, “and they lived happily ever after”. How promising these 3 words are, “happily ever after”. How does one begin to live the end of their days happily ever after? Obviously in a life outside of a fairy tale this holds little promise. Hard work, struggle, and sorrow will always accompany joy, happiness, love, and peace no matter how far or hard we try to dream otherwise. I think thats ok though. Without sadness, can we really find joy?

I cried on two different occasions tonight. The first occurred while I was at the senior send off at the Newman Center as it really hit me how many of my dearest friends, and my boyfriend will be leaving me next year. And while I am overjoyed for them to be done, and I know I myself am not ready to leave, I still can’t imagine life next year without them and it is going to be an incredible struggle. Amy, Nathan, Nick, Clare, Stacy, Emma, Amanda, David, though he’s not a senior, and the rest will all be incredibly missed and it honestly pains my hurt to imagine them not here next year. And it hurts knowing that I didn’t spend as much time with everyone this year as I wish I could’ve. But that’s life for you, you always want just a little bit more than you can have. A little bit more time, a little bit more money or opportunity. As humans we never seem to be satisfied with where we are in life. While I know I am going to be ok, knowing these days will soon be gone forever will take a while to get over. I know we’ll keep in touch, but it just won’t be the same again ever.

After the Newman Center a few of us went to the LockerRoom for a drink. Right after I had bought a drink I got a text from a friend needing me to check on another friend who had OD’d on drugs tonight. I got Danielle to pick me up and we went over to this girls house. I can’t even begin to describe the rest of that next half hour. It was scary, but not threatened scary, just an abnormal type of scary that I was not prepared for. Eventually we got her to come with us to the ER and I went home after that and cried for the second time tonight. I can’t say why it affected me so, but it did. Seeing others in pain, watching them throw their lives away is so heartbreaking. I sit here and I complain about how hard my hw is, how difficult the tests are, how I don’t have any money, but I often forget about how much I do have. While Haiti has already taught me that, tonight has reinforced it once again. I am incredibly blessed and loved and even though I know that it will be hard next year to lose those that I love that are around me, I know that they will still be in my life and I will get by.

I’ve dealt with two students this year now that were in need late at night and had no one else. I don’t know what that means but I am glad on both occasions the Lord has been able to provide the opportunity for me to help them.

On a different note, Val and I have raised over $2000 for our haiti fund! I AM SO ECSTATIC! How wondered, marveled and amazed I am at everyone’s generosity. Val and I met tonight to discuss future plans and while I won’t mention too much yet, we have great plans that we want to work out :)

I hope to write again soon, I should have plenty of time this week. If you get a moment, I ask for you to pray for the student that I helped tonight as well as all those out there that are struggling with other issues and not able to see the light in the world. Help them to shine.

Love, Jenn

Glory to God in the Highest and Peace to His People on Earth

This is a line that I say every Sunday. A line that so often I don’t even stop to think about anymore. But truly it is inspiring. Here it is, all laid out, that we must glorify God most high and bring peace to those around us here. After going to Haiti, “peace to his people on earth” seems so much clearer now.

It’s about 11am, and all I’ve done today was eat breakfast and shower. And look up computers on the internet. I feel like I’m letting the day waste, however I was up until about 1am last night having philosophical talks with some of my peers over wine and cheese. Needless to say, it wasn’t a bad idea to sleep in a little this morning. I typically need about 8 hours of sleep which is always unfortunate when I get to bed late because I love getting up early in the mornings. <one of my favorite parts about Haiti>.

Anyways, I have been looking up new computers for the past hour and I still can’t convince myself that I need another one. While my current one is on it’s last leg and moving incredibly slow (which is awful because I can be incredibly impatient with technology) it makes sense being a college student that I should invest in something better. But I keep telling myself that I don’t really need it. Needs are meant for basic life surviving things such as food, medicine, water, sheleter, etc… Which is hard to think about too because so many people in the world don’t even have that. And here I am needing a new laptop. It just doesn’t make sense. I don’t even want a new laptop. I wouldn’t use one at all if I could still be an efficient student without one. However our culture in college has made it almost impossible to be in school without some form of a computer. While the library is available and there are many on campus sites, I still wouldn’t be able to save anything onto them. Ultimately I will end up getting a new one, but it is difficult to think that dropping anywhere from $500-$1000 for one item is logical anymore.

Val and I have raised almost $1000 for our lunch program and I am exceptionally excited and inspired by it. It’s hard to think about how that much money, which I have felt so much generosity from others from, is the same amount of money I could just drop in a heartbeat on some new, excessive piece of device such as a laptop. I don’t think I should feel bad about it, because this is the society that I live in, and to do differently would put me behind in a way. However it does make me stop to think about my needs so much more and then it’s difficult to act upon buying something I truly really don’t need.

This has been a longwinded discussion on computers so I’m going to switch gears and talk about the book I read yesterday. Yes, I did finish a book all in one day. It was a short, easy read and left me feeling incredibly motivated to get back to Haiti. I know I have all summer to plan, but I can’t help but start thinking about all the things I want to do. My dad is in too which is so wonderful. I know he will love it. The book I read is called “On That Day Everybody Ate”. It’s by Margaret Trost who is the founder of the What If? Foundation in Port-Au-Prince. I won’t spoil it for anyone because it is such a short read, but I recommend it wholeheartedly.

This blog has been a little all over the place today but the last thing I want to say is that I think I may have found a house to live in next year and I’m so excited. I still have to figure some things out, but if it works out, I will count it as a wonderful blessing. I honestly have not felt this blessed in awhile. This week has been wonderful, inspiring, filled with love, beautiful weather, and overall joy. So once again I say: Glory to God in the Highest and Peace to His People on Earth.

driven

What does it mean to be driven? As I think about this word tonight I wonder if it was around before the dawn of machines, or if the verb ‘to drive’ came after the ability to drive, as we know it, was created. I would have to assume that it would not have been around before cars, buses, trains, etc… however one can never tell. I’d look it up but I don’t really care that much.

Anyways, I typically combine motivation with drive. I often feel that if someone is motivated then they will be automatically driven to get things done as well. I wanted to write about this tonight because I have always felt very driven in life. I never like to sit still and am constantly overbooking myself. However, when I think about it, I wonder if it is motivation or more expectations for myself that drive me. While expectations can be motivating, if they are created for the wrong reasons then I think they can be detrimental, but maybe I’m wrong.

I suppose the thought that started all of this talk of being driven and motivated came in two-fold today. The first part was due to the fact that I wrote out a 3 page email that I want to send to Father Andre pertaining to Haiti and all the projects and/or ideas I have for the people. While I know a lot of this would take years to implement and money and time and careful planning and considerations, I wanted to at least breach the ideas with Father Andre to see if he thought it would even be possible and/or beneficial. I still need to get his email so I can type it and send it, but I was feeling very motivated while I wrote it all out today. The more I think about it, the more I feel that if I can find a way to do it, then get on it, I can really make a difference to the people down there. I read up on how so many others have started organizations in Africa and think that all it takes is a little bit of courage and drive to get you going and with the Holy Spirit anything is possible.

The second reason for these thoughts on motivation and drive came from a conversation I had with a classmate today. While I don’t particularly like gossip, nor do I try to care what others think of me; in all honesty I really do. I’m a “people pleaser” and I try hard to be a good Christian, hard worker, and compassionate person, so when someone thinks of me as otherwise it is discouraging and a little bit hurtful. My classmate that I was talking with today told me that another classmate of ours had randomly made the comment out of the blue that she thought I was lazy. Of all the things for someone to think of me as, I never thought lazy would be one of them. It definitely shook me up a little to say the least. Partly because I don’t like others to think ill of me, and partly because I don’t want to give off that impression in the first place and it makes me wonder why they would say that. After some venting to a few friends, I have been able to let it go.

While it may bother me, I know it’s not true and if she doesn’t want to take the time to get to know me better then it’s on her head to make such assumptions. I can only try my best to continue to live in excellence and to not let little things like this bother me. Nathan compared it to my involvement with FOCUS tonight. He said that to him, and to those that know me, they would see how dedicated I am to the organization and how much heart I put into it. He’s always told me that I put so much more effort and love into it than he does. I suppose sometimes I do, but I’ve always just done what I thought needed to be done. Anyways, there are those in FOCUS who may not think that I put forth my best effort because I may not be around for every event they have. So while to outsiders it may look like I’m not dedicated and I am slacking, to those who know me, they would see how much I truly do put into it. While this analogy doesn’t make anything better per say, it does help me realize that it’s important not to judge others before getting to know them as a person. This is something I should probably take a better look at for myself before I start getting too upset with other people for doing. What was that verse? Before you remove a splinter from your neighbor’s eye, you must take the wooden beam out of your own. I think that’s what it was. I will just have to start working at that beam now that I’ve had the chance to reevaluate my own motivations and drives.

Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up.

I heard this quote somewhere along my days and it’s such a simple, but meaningful phrase. I often have a habit of worrying too much, or holding regrets, but faith is the only perspective that I really need. And faith is what I have been searching for.

I just read val’s blog and its incredible how someone’s thoughts can mimic my own so closely. I have had the most amazing weekend but a lot of that has to do with my ability to begin processing Haiti last week. Prior to last week I had been so busy and caught up in so much, that I hadn’t had the time to understand why Haiti changed me in such a profound way. Realization has thus set in and I have realized that not only had I had such a simple life there for a week, I also was so much closer to God then I have ever been. And my heart and soul have been working to get it back ever since my return. Part of the uneasiness I’ve felt in coming back to America has been that unbalance between my mind and the rest of my being. Last week without Nate, I spent a lot of time in prayer and with my thoughts. It hit me hard and with sorrow that I have not spent the appropriate amount of time in prayer and with God as I should have this semester, or even this year. In Haiti it was so easy to go to daily mass, but here I always seem to find excuses. There’s always something else that takes priority or needs to be done that my time with God just slowly gets used up. I don’t like that. I’ve realized that I need to make my life more simple and in that I can find more time for God.

In a few ways I’ve already started too. I’ve cut back on going out to dinner or spending excessively at the grocery store. I haven’t bought much alcohol lately. And today I started de-cluttering my room to make it more simple to live in. I figured if I want to live simply, my surroundings should remain simple as well. I also have been thinking more and more about Haiti while I work on this simplicity. I think my bedroom next year will be Haiti themed and very simple. Not that I know where I’m living next year, but I want it to feel like Haiti so I can always remember it.

This weekend has been so uplifting. I don’t even know how to begin. I think it started Friday though when I realized that I was ready to get back together with him. He had sent me an email that brought me so much meaning that I was ready to make that commitment to him. But we had planned not to meet up until tonight to talk things out, so I selfishly kept these thoughts to myself to analyze them a little more to make sure I was sure. With that said, Friday I was in a good mood because that sadness was no longer there. On top of that, on Friday I got a call from ScribeAmerica for a job interview for this summer. The only catch was the interview was for a hospital in Lafayette. I  decided to go for it anyways. I spent Friday night in with my good friend Caroline which was a much needed night to catch up with her. Then Saturday morning I made it to Lafayette for my interview then headed home for the rest of the weekend. I love being home. I think it reminds me of Haiti in a small way because I am surrounded by family and life at home is just simple and its based on love. I can never be in a bad mood when I’m home. I went to dinner downtown to my favorite restaurant – The Spaghetti Factory. Then walked around downtown with my family (minus Jared) for a while before heading home. We stopped on our way home and got avocado smoothies too. Much better than they sound. Today I made it back to Muncie and enjoyed a bike ride with Sarah which was amazing in this weather. Long ride too, but I handled it well even though I’m incredibly out of shape.

We’ve got a bit of money for our Haiti fundraiser already. I brought back over $300 from my house that my sister and parents have raised for me. It completely reforms my trust and love for humankind with how much people are willing to give. I’ve had so many people tell me they want to get involved that it makes my heart burst. I am so glad that we’ve found a way to help others give to Haiti as well. Tomorrow night the team is meeting at Puertas for margaritias and I am so excited to see them all again. It’s going to be a great night.

While I was home this weekend, I had a moment of clarity and realized that not only do I want to go to Haiti this summer, I want to bring my dad with me. I couldn’t think of a better person that I would want to share this experience with and I think he would get so much out of it. I need to start planning.

On top of all of this, Nate and I have become “one of those” couples. And by that I mean, we broke up for a week, and are already back together. However I don’t see this being a trend, and I couldn’t be happier tonight :) It’s amazing how one week without him can change so many fears and make all doubts seem inconsequential and trivial. I’m ready to take things one day at a time, as long as he’s there to share it with me. I still don’t know if we’ll make it in the long run, and long distance will be very trying. But on the other hand, if he means anything to me, I have to at least try.

what a beautiful day

This morning I woke up late, at 7:53 and my chem lab starts at 8. In ten minutes I was able to get dressed, brush my teeth, grab some juice, bike to class, and run up four flights of stairs. I once again woke up with a sore throat, cough, and stuffed nose, but didn’t even have time to think about it. Usually when I’m running this late it throws off the rest of my day. But today, for the first time in a week I woke up in a fantastic mood.I don’t know why, but I don’t really care.

I had a great talk with an old friend last night which kept me up later than intended. However it was one of those conversations that I truly needed. He got my talking about Haiti again and I told him about the fundraiser Val and I are doing, how much desire I have to help Haiti, and how I’m applying to med school this year and hope to either double up in med school and getting a phd or masters in public health, or if I don’t do that to just specialize in infectious disease. I told him about the break up, how schools been, and that I’m hoping to get back into cycling. It was just an overall great talk to catch up. He’s a pilot in the air force and so he’s been busy too and had a lot to talk to about. He gave me some great advice and told me he was quite impressed with my ambitions. He said that he’s never talked to anyone who’s ever quite had my drive and passion to do something with my life. And while I don’t quite know that it’s true, in this moment, I feel an inexplicable drive to do great things. To accomplish these ambitions and then take them further. I feel so uplifted today and I want to hold on to this feeling.

So after chem class, I biked home and decided to start the second part of my morning off right. I made myself some eggs and sausage and topped it off with a chocolate banana smoothie. It all hit the spot. I’ve had numerous people tell me since I’ve posted up my Haiti pictures ask if I didn’t eat enough while I was there because it looks like I’ve lost weight. And the thing of it is, is that I never felt hungry in Haiti. However it does take me back to all the meals I skipped when I was stressed prior to going because of classes and other things that had to get done. So as a part of my Lenten goal of not only being healthier and getting enough sleep, I am also working on eating the right amount each day.

I wasn’t able to see Nate last night. School work kept me up until 11 then I talked to Mike for an hour. At that point I knew he’d be asleep already and I should get to bed soon. And while I still want to see him soon, I am starting to feel a little bit more peace about it today. And that scares me a little bit. A big part of me doesn’t want to be ok without him. A big part of me wants to hold on to him, to tell him its a mistake and that we can work things out. But another small part of me is already moving on. It’s a long, slow process, but the fact that today I woke up without such a weight on my heart makes me think that if I just take it day by day, I’ll be ok. I still miss him though.

I still have a list of thing to do today, and I know I won’t have enough time to get it all done. But that’s ok. I’ve been given the chance of another tomorrow to finish what I couldn’t get done today, and in the end it’s all in God’s hands anyways. No need to stress.

Anyways, I’m going to leave off with one of my favorite songs. Mostly I just love this song because it was written for me and titled “Jen” by some guys I just happened to meet at a party one night. The quality isn’t the best, but it still makes me happy : ) I mean, how many songs will I ever get to have written about me? So here it is: